When you type D.I.S.A.P.P, Google guesses, “disappointment”... ”disappear”.
I mean that happens more than often, I completely get it. These phenomena are more common.
That’s alright. People disappoint, sure...sometimes they disappear after that.
Sometimes they just keep disappointing so much it's disappointing that they won't disappear.
And sometimes, the unexpected disappearing just happens to be the most disappointing part.
"That dress is too short for her!" "No, it is completely fine, she is just a child."
Argued my mother to my father as he looked at his twelve year old daughter with slender legs, now not covered to the knees.
Worry and appreciation, both gleaming in his eyes at once, I never understood how.
"Let's not buy it, I don't like it a lot anyway"
I heard my meagre little self say with all the courage I had in my guts. That dress was lovely though.
DISAPPROVAL - was a big word.
Indeed. But Disapproval didn't need saying. It had other fancy ways to express itself;
A nodding index finger, a shake of the head, a frown, maybe a shrug or perhaps not using language at all was the most powerful of all.....
"But you must figure out what you want to do in life already, std. 10th is about to end"
Said my mother, face intensely red, asking me if engineering was a yes or a no…
Wondering if her confused daughter would be able to make anything out of her life, out of her meagre little self.
"Yes, I can do this, what's left to do in school anyway"
I heard my scared to the bones sixteen year old self say that with such casualty,
As if I were writing my own destiny;
But really, just fearing seeing disapproval in the eyes of my guardian angel, wanting to make her proud of me somehow.
DISAPPROVAL - was a big word.
Indeed. But Disapproval was a shape shifter. It had what the French called an "amour propre".
A sort of "self-love" whose esteem depends upon the opinion of others… to me, important others.
Disapproval was the rank of each entrance exam that slammed the door behind me with a "You don't belong here" note stapled to it.
Disapproval was a solemn "hmm" of the teacher when I scored a 98 in Math in the boards, not knowing where I made a mistake in all honesty.
Disapproval was the crooked smile of the bank manager who told me that a loan wasn't possible in a case “so complicated”.
Disapproval was the love of the boy who told me there was no going back.
Disapproval was him not letting me out of a cage of security and attachment, to protect my meagre wings from the fire out there.
DISAPPROVAL - was a big word.
Disapproval was the sound of the words he almost uttered, but swallowed,
Hid them in a dark, secret place inside his belly from where,
He thought, they could not harm me.
And all I heard was a cold whisper… I shudder; the unspoken words send a shiver down my spine,
My rattling bones and flaccid muscles too weak to hold on to his warmth.
He leaves; his love follows him like a pet chained to his master.
And I… well I am left behind with a void - a fake smile;
Small talks, formal handshakes, pretentious friendly nods of recognition and a meagre self;
That never really understands why the heart was broken, why the pain felt and why he was lost forever, when he never really did say anything at all;
Perhaps neither does he.
DISAPPROVAL – was a big word.
As others made their place in my life with minuscule holes in this hourglass of mine,
Time ran too fast for YOU.
And now WE stand, just facing each other.
The billow of gray dust that surrounds the space between US, it makes me dizzy.
I am not sure if it’s the droplets of misunderstanding, ignorance, jealousy or abhorrence that hold that mass of air together.
But this raw and dense nebula gets darker and darker by a shade each day and I wonder if that means it will rain soon.
DISAPPROVAL – was a big word.... but no, I won’t let it rule over me this time.
Thunderclaps! Lightning! Strong winds... And the cloud bursts!
Oh, thank God, it’s raining! But why, God, it’s raining gloom? I don't see YOU anymore.
But the rain is infinite, and I feel meagre no more.
I feel infinite.
Thank God, I feel meagre no more.
