An Ode to the Helplessness of My Life

Dear Helplessness,
My good friend
I wouldn't exactly say it's great to have you back
But for the sake of formality I shall ask
How have you been?
Was the vacation relieving?
Was it calm and soothing?

Dear Helplessness,
My constant enemy
I still remember the first time I felt you
You looked, or rather felt... unusual
Your sad smile triggered butterflies in my stomach
Butterflies of worry that fluttered in all directions
Butterflies of worry I caught and gulped
Butterflies I swallowed before anyone else saw them.
A slender, solemn face with beautiful teary eyes
I know you fell in love with me the night we met twice.

The dreary dreams and loneliness, all helped
Me get ready, for our first date
That day I was scared to the bones
Wondering if this was a bait.
You told me you loved me
You'd never leave me
That you'd be a part of who I was,
Naive, stupid me - I promised to take you
Never really knowing of the loss.

Dear Helplessness,
Those days of the past
Are memories sweet and bitter
Our secret meetings on the back porch
Under the vaguely rainy weather
Where we wept, immersed in pain,
Embracing each other's soul.
You broke me, always left me in pieces
Yet somehow made me whole.

Some happy times have taken over
Your place in my life today
Though you never quit trying to get back
Pointing out, you are here to stay.

Dear Helplessness,
My old companion
Don't you think it's time to part?
We've bled and prayed and grown together
We've fed on each other's heart.

But whatever's left of me now
Is a minuscule inch
Unapologetic and bold
Dear Helplessness,
I plead, let it exist
There's nothing against you I hold.

Let us bid adieu with new perspectives
Of our ideas of the world and ourselves
As you fall in love with the boy called Hope
I proudly wear my scars, accepting that emptiness.

Mahashivaratri

Purush & Prakriti
Two forms of everything existing in this world
Encompassing body, soul and material
All that one could possibly hold dear.

Detached, unlike us
You have no attachments,
Or chains that bound
No desires and passions
Or greeds that hound,
the human mind.

Pashupati, the Lord
Closer to nature
Than we could possibly ever be;
Bholenath, the innocent one
The manifestation of sanctity.

Nataraja, for you there is no Good or Evil
All stand equal in your eyes
Maheshwara, the upholder of justice
For all Devas & Rakshasas
All prejudices who defies.

Shiva from shav, you accept
All that perishes and dies
You are the destroyer, the carrier of change
Rudra, like a tiger who cries.

Oh Mahadev, the God. of Gods
Singing  of your might is never suffice
For you consumed poison
For the world to live on
None else could sacrifice.


Oh Neelkanth, may we praise you
For every moment we breath
Till the very second we die
May we learn from your immortal victory legends

OM NAMAH SHIVAYA

OM NAMAH SHIVAYA.

Too Real To Be True

Spots of colour-red and blue
Against a background dark
A lightning bolt-a marathon scene
An athlete on his mark.

A warm and fuzzy cup of coffee
And a box of chocolates
A boring lecture of mathematics
An astrologer reading fates.

A ship of pirates sailing across
The Atlantic in a deadly storm
Little Jenny so happy on her swing
Her grey eyes and maiden form.

A report card and a stack of new books
Two estranged lovers, who died
A monk experiencing nothingness
The witness in court, who lied.

Hitchhikers taking a lift to the
Beautiful lake across the plain
The old man on his favourite spot
On the park bench in the next lane.

A soothing touch, a fleeting kiss
A warmth so infinite
The pink moon that glorified my days
The dusky sun shining in my nights.

My flying room with dragon wings
And my pet lion, Roar
Traveling to Mars and the future
And the next galaxy's core.

And to meet new aliens, people and beings
To learn the wonders of the stars awake
To make sense of my feeble life
What difference can I really make?

All fragments of my imagination
Existing in this minuscule mind
This universe and void of my "dreams"
This red-blue-black... REWIND.

DISAPPROVAL

When you type D.I.S.A.P.P, Google guesses, “disappointment”... ”disappear”.

I mean that happens more than often, I completely get it. These phenomena are more common.
That’s alright. People disappoint, sure...sometimes they disappear after that.
Sometimes they just keep disappointing so much it's disappointing that they won't disappear.
And sometimes, the unexpected disappearing just happens to be the most disappointing part.



"That dress is too short for her!" "No, it is completely fine, she is just a child."
Argued my mother to my father as he looked at his twelve year old daughter with slender legs, now not covered to the knees.
Worry and appreciation, both gleaming in his eyes at once, I never understood how.
"Let's not buy it, I don't like it a lot anyway"
I heard my meagre little self say with all the courage I had in my guts. That dress was lovely though.
DISAPPROVAL - was a big word.
Indeed. But Disapproval didn't need saying. It had other fancy ways to express itself;
A nodding index finger, a shake of the head, a frown, maybe a shrug or perhaps not using language at all was the most powerful of all.....


"But you must figure out what you want to do in life already, std. 10th is about to end"
Said my mother, face intensely red, asking me if engineering was a yes or a no…
Wondering if her confused daughter would be able to make anything out of her life, out of her meagre little self.
"Yes, I can do this, what's left to do in school anyway"
I heard my scared to the bones sixteen year old self say that with such casualty,
As if I were writing my own destiny;
But really, just fearing seeing disapproval in the eyes of my guardian angel, wanting to make her proud of me somehow.
DISAPPROVAL - was a big word.
Indeed. But Disapproval was a shape shifter. It had what the French called an "amour propre".
A sort of "self-love" whose esteem depends upon the opinion of others… to me, important others.

Disapproval was the rank of each entrance exam that slammed the door behind me with a "You don't belong here" note stapled to it.
Disapproval was a solemn "hmm" of the teacher when I scored a 98 in Math in the boards, not knowing where I made a mistake in all honesty.
Disapproval was the crooked smile of the bank manager who told me that a loan wasn't possible in a case “so complicated”.
Disapproval was the love of the boy who told me there was no going back.
Disapproval was him not letting me out of a cage of security and attachment, to protect my meagre wings from the fire out there.
DISAPPROVAL - was a big word.


Disapproval was the sound of the words he almost uttered, but swallowed,
Hid them in a dark, secret place inside his belly from where,
He thought, they could not harm me.
And all I heard was a cold whisper… I shudder; the unspoken words send a shiver down my spine,
My rattling bones and flaccid muscles too weak to hold on to his warmth.
He leaves; his love follows him like a pet chained to his master.
And I… well I am left behind with a void - a fake smile;
Small talks, formal handshakes, pretentious friendly nods of recognition and a meagre self;
That never really understands why the heart was broken, why the pain felt and why he was lost forever, when he never really did say anything at all;
Perhaps neither does he.
DISAPPROVAL – was a big word.



As others made their place in my life with minuscule holes in this hourglass of mine,
Time ran too fast for YOU.
And now WE stand, just facing each other.
The billow of gray dust that surrounds the space between US, it makes me dizzy.
I am not sure if it’s the droplets of misunderstanding, ignorance, jealousy or abhorrence that hold that mass of air together.
But this raw and dense nebula gets darker and darker by a shade each day and I wonder if that means it will rain soon.

DISAPPROVAL – was a big word.... but no, I won’t let it rule over me this time.
Thunderclaps! Lightning! Strong winds... And the cloud bursts!
Oh, thank God, it’s raining! But why, God, it’s raining gloom? I don't see YOU anymore.

But the rain is infinite, and I feel meagre no more.
I feel infinite.
Thank God, I feel meagre no more.

The Black Hole

IT was the demon in her
And the Satan in her stars
The evil of all hell and earth
And of the heavens afar.

It was within a you and me
And in the deepest lake and sea
The fire that shook the highest peak
All sages of whom did once speak.

It was a formless silhouette
That rose and faded into thin air
An apparition, a ghost-an illuminating light
Yet not visible to the naked eye.




IT was the conqueror of all kings
Of every man, woman and child
Not bounded by forces of any dimension
The true master of death and time.

For it was death-and time-and life
The paramount immortal essence
The driving force of past and present
The keeper of fates and hence...

It was the demon in her
And yet an inspiration
The passion of her mind
And her heart's sensation.




IT was the seed of desire
From which fueled every fire
From which grew endless cycles
From which rose lovers-rivals.

From which sprang every storm
The reason for every calm
From which stemmed wish and want
All dreary illusions that haunt...

The strange paradox being
'Tis but the only truth
The wisdom of all ages, with
The gleaming beauty of youth.

The Mirage

And it seems to me, that the struggles of life are infinite. Not only infinite, but pointless. The fight to prove your mettle. Don't you see.. it's a trap!
Oh I am sorry, did I hurt your wounds of those tough times? I didn't mean to belittle you, or your gallery of valor. But you would never believe me, for it always seems worthy. After all, history remembers the victors.
I apologize again to be the one to break this illusion of yours. If you think you've annihilated all your pain with one blow of victory, know that it's a bait. Soon you will realize that there's another battle waiting. The real war, is never over.
Suffering is continuous and never ending.

If life was a voyage to a far off land, then each struggle would be a ripple in the sea.
As your boat floats forward with fancy force, though not swiftly, the ripples follow.
You see the waves, enormous - uniform - seamless, trying to overpower you with the winds on their side. They reach for infinity, as far as the eye can see - crawling towards the horizon, where the sun of hope is slowly drowning. You think you can count them, perhaps you try, but it's useless, they are too many.

And so this was life. Ripples of hardships, no matter how fast you move, these waves of struggle never end, keep following. And yet, the sea, the sunsets, the sky and it's stars and all of these beautiful things unconquerable by man, become the only escape from the sea sickness... somehow making you feel like there's some minuscule joy even in conquering a single wave. Awakening a false hope that the voyage would finally end, that there was a destination - an island, where a treasure of gold was waiting to be found. That there was a point to this utter madness... that life itself, held some meaning. Oh, how nature tricks us into becoming pirates, uncanny and remarkable.

The Life Cycle of the Ordinary Homo Sapien

You were young and restless
Passionate and reckless
Naive and emotionally high
In pursuit of ecstasy
To love and live
And breathe and die
And experience intimacy
Of knitted hearts
And teared apart
Of stitches and wounds
And scars and pain
And sadness and ends;

And beginnings and gain
And forgetting losses
Of trusting again
Plunging out into eternity
Into a world of fantasy
And time and again
Those shocks
Trying to bring you back
To where you perhaps belong
When the Murphy's Law decide's to have its way
And you lie, "It's gonna be okay".